Why Some People Stand on Their Own Feet — While Others Keep Looking for Support
(A conversation with a participant)
Dr. Parth: People often ask me, “Why are some people so independent, while others seem constantly dependent?”
They think it is confidence. Or upbringing. Or maybe astrology — if all else fails, blame the planets.
No.
It is none of these.
The difference is far more fundamental.
Independence Is Not Personality — It Is Inner Processing
It is the courage to be seen without negotiating your existence.
An independent person is not someone who has figured out life.
They have simply figured out how to process life.
A dependent person has also gone through life — the same joys, the same pains — but the experiences were stored, not digested.
If you eat food and do not digest it, it becomes poison.
If you experience life and do not digest it, it becomes memory — and that memory starts running you.
So this is the first distinction:
One lives by understanding
The other lives by reaction
Same events. Different digestion.
Memory: A Servant or a Master
Dependence is a convenient disguise for loneliness. Instead of facing the emptiness within, you cling to someone or something outside. When you are truly complete by yourself, relationships become a sharing—not a shelter.
For an independent person, memory is a reference library.
You visit it when required.
For a dependent person, memory becomes the CEO of life.
Every decision needs approval from past pain, fear, or conditioning.
If memory is driving:
Fear looks for safety
Pain looks for support
Confusion looks for authority
If intelligence is driving:
Fear loses its grip
Support becomes optional
Authority becomes internal
This is not philosophy. This is how life works.
The Nervous System Knows Before the Mind Does
You may talk all the psychology you want, but the nervous system does not lie.
An independent person’s system can stay relatively settled even under stress.
They respond.
A dependent person’s system is always slightly alarmed — like a security guard who has not slept in years.
They react.
That is why one asks, “What is needed now?”
The other asks, “Who will save me?”
Same situation. Different wiring.
Identity: Fluid or Fixed
An independent person does not carry a solid identity around like luggage.
They can drop roles.
They can change direction.
They can admit, “I don’t know.”
A dependent person has a fixed identity:
“This is who I am”
“This is what happened to me”
“This is why I cannot”
A fixed identity must be defended.
Defense creates dependence.
A fluid identity can explore.
Exploration creates freedom.
Responsibility Creates Freedom — Not Burden
Some people think responsibility enslaves them.
Actually, avoidance of responsibility enslaves you.
Those who were allowed to fall, fail, and stand up — without constant rescue — developed inner authority.
Those who were always protected, corrected, or controlled learned one thing very well:
“How to outsource my life.”
Dependence is not trauma alone.
It is often lack of conscious challenge.
Can You Be Alone Without Feeling Empty?
This is the real test.
An independent person can sit alone without feeling lonely.
A dependent person feels incomplete the moment external input disappears.
Why?
One has access to inner fullness.
The other is still shopping for it outside — people, relationships, beliefs, substances, even spirituality.
When inner access is missing, dependence looks like necessity.
So Is Dependence Wrong?
No.
Dependence is not a flaw.
It is an earlier stage of inner evolution.
Just like:
crawling comes before walking
reaction comes before response
survival comes before freedom
But if you try to decorate dependence with philosophies, you will remain stuck there.
When intelligence leads memory, there is independence.
When memory leads intelligence, there is dependence.
This is not about becoming strong.
It is about becoming conscious.
And consciousness, once it rises, does not need support —
it becomes the support.
Independent and dependent people are living in different inner economies
An independent person runs on:
Self-reference
Inner clarity
“I take responsibility for my state”
A dependent person runs on:
External reference
Emotional reassurance
“You are responsible for how I feel”
So they’re not just disagreeing — they’re speaking two different psychological languages.
Why confusion happens
A dependent person is constantly asking (often silently):
“Are you with me? Are you enough for me? Will you stay?”
An independent person is asking:
“Why are you making me responsible for your inner balance?”
Now imagine both think the other is being “difficult.”
The dependent person feels ignored, unsafe, unloved
The independent person feels suffocated, misunderstood, controlled
Same situation. Two totally different experiences.
Why families see this the most
Families are built on emotional memory, not choice.
So:
Parents often expect dependence to continue forever
Children grow into independence and are called “cold” or “changed”
Independence is seen as rebellion
Dependence is seen as love
This creates emotional debt, not connection.
The real friction point
A dependent person wants closeness through fusion
An independent person wants closeness through freedom
One says:
“If you love me, don’t change.”
The other says:
“If you love me, let me grow.”
Both call it love.
That’s where the misunderstanding explodes.
Is one right and the other wrong?
No.
Dependence without awareness becomes manipulation
Independence without compassion becomes isolation
The problem is not independence or dependence.
The problem is unconscious dependence and defensive independence.
Most “misunderstandings” are not about words or behavior.
They are about unspoken expectations.
“I expect you to be my stability.”
“I expect you not to need me that way.”
Neither expectation is discussed. Both are assumed.
That’s why confusion feels constant.
“When one person seeks support and the other seeks space, both feel unloved—because neither recognizes the other’s survival strategy.”
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