Are Relationships About Love — or Control?
“One who has mastery over his own life
has no need to control anything.
He simply knows what to do,
and how to do it.
But when you do not know,
you unconsciously try to control—
people, situations, and outcomes.
From childhood,
you have been trained to manage the outside,
to plan, to manipulate, to force results.
If you learn to handle your body, mind, emotions, and energies,
the need to control the outside
will simply not arise within you.
The moment you try to control another,
it means you are expecting something through them.
A transactional mind
will always seek to control situations and outcomes.
In this very process,
you resist life itself.
If you had the wisdom
to see the nature of life,
you would allow it its full expression.
Your suffering is not because of life—
it is because you are trying to control it.”
— Parth, amrqh®
In a relationship, who told you that your partner is the problem?
What you often call a “problem” is simply your inability to have things your way. When this happens, the natural tendency is not to understand—but to control.
From a very young age, you have been trying to manage the outside—people, situations, and outcomes—to extract a certain sense of comfort and joy. This becomes your method of living.
But observe this carefully.
You could never fully control your father, your mother, or your siblings. Over time, you simply came to terms with them. You learned where you could assert yourself, where you could not, and you adjusted accordingly.
Now, when a new person enters your life—a spouse, a partner—you unconsciously apply the same transactional approach. You attempt to shape them, manage them, and slowly bend them to fit your expectations.
If they begin to listen to you, you say, “I am in love.”
But is it love?
Or is it just that you have gained a certain level of control?
The moment they say “no,” the struggle begins again. Resistance arises. Conflict builds. Suddenly, what you called a relationship starts feeling like a circus.
This is why people say, “Do not try to change each other.”
But this statement is often misunderstood.
If there is genuine love in your heart, transformation is inevitable—not as a strategy, not as manipulation, but as a natural consequence. You will evolve, and so will the other. Not because you forced it, but because something deeper has touched both of you.
Control is not love.
Transaction is not intimacy.
A transactional mind is always calculating—
“What can I get from this person?”
“How can I make this go my way?”
Such a mind will constantly attempt to control situations and people, because its very basis is expectation.
But life does not work that way.
When relationships become a means of extraction rather than an expression of inclusiveness, suffering is inevitable.
Look at what happens when things fall apart.
A heartbreak does not just bring pain—it exposes the emptiness of your inner structure. Because you never learned how to be with yourself, you begin to seek escape.
Some turn to intoxication.
Some fall into cycles of distraction.
Some even think of ending their lives.
Not because the pain is unbearable, but because they have no other way to handle it.
If you had cultivated some inner balance—if you knew how to handle your body, mind, emotions, and energies—this pain would become a possibility for growth, not destruction.
Then you would not engage in these compulsive, childish ways of escaping life.
The problem is not the relationship.
The problem is that you have never learned how to exist without trying to control.
If you bring a sense of inner completeness to a relationship, it becomes a beautiful space of sharing.
If you come as a bundle of expectations, it becomes a battlefield.
Love is not about making someone yours.
Love is about dissolving the boundaries that you have built within yourself.
— Parth, amrqh®
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